big mac & little mac

a tale of two hamburgers

the first week of having a baby is like.

it’s like.

okay. so the first week of having a baby, it’s, penny feels like, it’s sort of. 

look, honestly, the real truth is, penny has absolutely no memory of the first week that mac was born. she thinks that probably it went okay, because mac is still alive, and doesn’t seem to hate her. he refuses to breastfeed, which other women might feel rejected by but personally penny had hated it so much that it feels more like he’s kind of giving her an out. she knows she’s pretty sleep deprived but she just thinks maybe she and this kid have, whatever, an understanding. 

the first two days that he started refusing to breastfeed she vaguely remembers having a hysterical breakdown and screaming at odie in the kitchen that they were bad parents and that CPS was going to come take the baby away, and he’d been like, “woah, okay, let’s — that’s a big jump, let’s maybe let you have a nap,” and she’d been like, “when can I nap point at where on the calendar that napping happens,” and he’d been like, “I promise I will keep mac alive until you wake up. okay?” and then Penny must have said okay because the next thing that happened was she woke up in a puddle of her own breast milk and when she went into the kitchen odie was standing next to what turned out to be a kind of baby formula keurig machine, beaming, with mac zoinked out in the crook of his arm.

and she’d been like, “we’re not having sex for at least another five months but i want you to know that in my heart i’m giving you the best blow job of your life for this, where did it even come from?” and odie had kissed her on the forehead and said, “you can get literally anything on facebook marketplace.”