okay, so. i’m rewriting the chilliad, for basic structure and some other elements - i know it SEEMS like i’ve just “done” “nothing” “for” “a year” but actually i promise i’ve been working on it, just on less of a … posting level and more of a structural level. anyway, to prove it, i wanted to give you guys a sneak peek into the new format. i’m really pleased with it, on account of how i like formatting. let me know what you think!!
On Saturday, April 13th 2018, Officers (Ofcs) Colophon and Rhegium interviewed an Ithaca University student Melesigenes Bard regarding the destruction by fire of unknown cause of a multi-story house at 1184 Trojan Avenue. The interview took place in Interview Room B of the downtown police station, and lasted approximately twenty-four hours. There was no representation present for the interview. Bard was picked up due to his presence at the site of the fire, alongside one other student, Saffron Klasma. Although twelve students were picked up, the remaining ten retained legal counsel and were not interviewed.
The following is only a summary of Bard’s statement. Please refer to the attached transcript of the entire interview or to the digital audio recording of the interview. The audio was burned to a CD and labeled evidence item 2018-634/16.1.
A second interview was conducted on the incident, with Klasma. However, due to mechanical error, much of the interview was fragmented beyond recovery. Please refer to the attached transcript of what was recovered, or the recording labeled evidence item 2018-634/16.2, along with a collection of text messages, tweets, and other communications provided by Klasma concerning the matters discussed and their relation to the fire. These have been entered separately and labeled evidence item 2018-634/16.3.
Much of Bard’s statement covers a period of time prior to the incident at 1184 Trojan Avenue, and will not be summarized in this report for the sake of brevity. Regarding the incident itself, Bard claimed to have arrived at the building (“the Trojan House”) at eight pm. Although there was a party in full swing, Bard claimed he had not partaken in any illegal substance use, though he felt he “maybe had a contact high at some point,” and reported being completely sober during the interview. He said he had no reason to think there was anything wrong, as it seemed like a “completely regular night. Everybody was basically just vibing. The playlist was really good. None of that curated Spotify shit.”
Bard said he was in the kitchen getting “some sparkling water,” where he ran into Klasma, who was “also drinking sparkling water.” According to Bard, they were discussing “whether Weimar Classicism was a proto-feminist literary movement or if it’s bullshit that any movement which includes women automatically becomes some sort of gender justice thing. Saffron was like, ‘Why can’t the movement be about the art the women are making, instead about the mere fact that women are making it?’ and I was like, ‘Isn’t the fact of women transgressing inherently feminist?’ And we sort of went around in circles like that.”
Sometime between 10:15pm and 11:00pm, Bard reported that a fight broke out, but he wasn’t able to see who the combatants were. Hearing the noise, both Bard and Klasma left the kitchen and went to see what was going on, but by the time they arrived, the crowd had dispersed. Bard said that they were about to return to the kitchen when there was a further disturbance upstairs, and this was when they noticed the smell of smoke.
There were a series of “explosions — or — maybe not explosions-explosions, not like, movie explosions, but it sounded like something was sort of exploding?” Party guests began to panic, and were ushered from the house. Bard reports not knowing who called the police.
Both students said they helped in the efforts to ensure everybody exited the house safely. Bard reports hearing someone yell, “IT’S A FIRE, IT’S A REAL FUCKING FIRE,” which spurred many attendees to leave, once they understood that it was, “a real fire, and not just some asshole trying to hotbox the house.”
When the sirens were heard, Bard said he heard someone yell, “FUCK, THE COPS!” which he specified as, “fuck, comma, the cops, exclamation point, not fuck the cops like fuck the cops.” He then clarified, “Or — I mean, that’s what I thought they meant. Actually, maybe there wasn’t a comma. It was a pretty tense environment.”
When asked why he and Klasma had not fled the scene with other partygoers, Bard reported that after exiting the building, Klasma realized she had left behind her cellphone, with her writing on it. He reported that she attempted to return to the burning building, and was stopped only because they were both apprehended. This is confirmed by the statement given by Ofcs Colophon and Rhegium, who reported that Klasma wept in the back of the police vehicle on the way to the station, and said, “It’s all burned now. When I am gone there will be no memory of me and no regret. Unseen in the publishing house, I will stray, breathed out, among the ghostly dead.” They said she then wiped her tears and said, “Oh, that was good, actually. Hey, can somebody write that down?”
INTERVIEW WITH HOMER BARD
Interviewers: Officer Xeno Colophon
Officer Gene Rhegium
04-13-18/3:53 am
Case # 40-032
XC=Officer Xeno Colophon
TR=Officer Eugene Rhegium
HB=Homer Bard
XC: Kid. Hey, kid. Focus up. Feelin’ all right?
HB: I have never felt worse in my entire fucking life.
TR: That’s okay. If you think you’re going to throw up, let one of us know, and we can take you to the bathroom.
HB: Okay. I think I’m going to throw up.
XC: Do your best not to.
TR: Xen, you [unintelligible].
XC: He’s not going to throw up. He’s fine. Have some coffee.
HB: Oh my god, this is fucking - you guys live like this?
XC: You want gourmet coffee, I don’t recommend the police station. All right, let’s get started. Gene, you got the - ?
TR: Yeah. Okay. Before we get started we just need to go over, uh - we need to read this waiver to you and have you sign it. Then we get to chat a bit and you can tell us what’s going on. Okay?
HB: Okay.
TR: Great. So, today’s date is Saturday, April 14, 2018. Current time is 0353. I am here with - is it your - your full legal name is Homer Bard?
HB: Homer’s my middle name. I just go by it.
TR: Okay, and what’s your first name?
HB: Melesigenes. So you can see why -
TR: Yeah. Parents big Simpsons fans?
HB: I guess.
TR: ...Great. Okay, so we just have to run through some quick admin things. Place of birth?
HB: Here. I mean, I’m a citizen. Um, BLACKED OUT if you need the city.
XC: Perfect, thanks. Social?
HB: Uh. I don’t know. I mean I definitely have one.
XC: You don’t know your Social Security Number?
HB: No? Why would I know that? My mom probably does, we could call her.
TR: It’s fine for now. We can get it after. You should definitely ... learn that, though. Okay, when were you born? I mean, what’s your birthday?
HB: [REDACTED]
TR: Hah, no way. Same as my sister.
HB: Oh, she’s a [unintelligible]. What’s her moon sign?
TR: I don’t know what that means.
HB: It’s like - um, like there’s your sun sign which is like your main, like the one most people know, and then there’s your moon sign and it’s sort of more about how you vibe? Like your -
XC: All right, let’s stay on track. I’m going to read you this waiver, you can sign it, and then we can get back to talking, okay?
HB: Okay.
XC:You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer prior to any questioning or making of any statements and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you can’t afford to hire a lawyer one will be appointed by the court to represent you before questioning if you desire one. You may stop questioning or make any statements at any time by refusing to answer further or by requesting to consult with an attorney prior to continuing with questioning or the making of any statements.
So now you can just sign this. It says, “I have read the statement of my rights and I understand what my rights are. I’m willing to make a statement and answer questions. I do not want a lawyer at this time. I understand and know what I’m doing. No promises or threats have been made to me and no pressure coercion of any kind have been used against me.”
TR: Great. Thanks. So that’s taken care of, and we’re here just to, uh, just to try to find out what happened. ‘Cause before we take any next steps we need to find out all the information that we can.
HB: I get it, I just dunno what you want me to tell you. Like - I wasn’t even there for most of it.
XC: I admire your desire to keep your friends out of trouble. But a real house really burned down. People could have died, do you understand?
HB: Yeah, but -
XC: Listen, to us, it looks like some sort of prank war got out of control and ended in arson. You don’t want arson on your record, trust me. So you have to look at it from our point of view.
HB: Real nice thing to say to a blind guy.
XC: No, that’s not - okay. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant ... you have to - you, uh, just, think about it like that. It’s an ... it’s, uh, allegorical.
TR: Metaphorical.
XC: What?
TR: It’s a metaphor, uh, not an allegory. A metaphor is like ... a short turn of phrase, an allegory is a whole narrative.
HB: He’s right. I’m a poetry pre-major.
TR: That cannot be a real thing.
XC: It’s - it doesn’t matter what the — okay, whatever. Fine. It’s a metaphor. That’s not the point.
HB: What’s the point?
TR: The point is, we’re not here to get anybody in trouble. We’re just here to figure out what happened.
HB: [Unintelligible]
TR: What was that?
HB: I said, I’m blind, not stupid. I know what — I’ve watched to, like, shows. I know you’re trying to get me to, to, like - slip up. You’ve only got forty-eight hours, right? There was that episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
[long pause]
XC: ...TV isn’t a good representation of how the justice system works.
HB: I mean. Not to make an enemy where I could make a friend, but the justice system isn’t a good representation of how the justice system works, my dude.
XC: Don’t get smart. I don’t think you understand the situation you’re in. You’re looking at destruction of property, arson, public endangerment, criminal intent -
HB: Okay! Okay. Sorry. I’ll tell you what I know, but like, most of this is just what I heard. It’s not gonna hold up in court. I mean, I didn’t see anything.
XC: Obviously.
HB: What do you mean, obviously? That’s fucking - you are 0 for 2 on ableism tonight, man.
XC: That’s not what I -
TR: Xen, let it go. Go on, son.
HB: Right. Okay. So. Like - okay. So what you have to understand is that we’re, I mean, at this point we are deep into this prank war, right? It’s been going on, um, since like, the first toga party of the year, when Helen hooked up with Paris during rush.
TR: Helen?
HB: Spartowski.
XC: Did we pick her up?
TR: No. Her name’s not on the list.
XC: Okay. And she is?
HB: Manny Atreus’ girlfriend. Or--ex-girlfriend, I guess. She’s Alpha Delta Chi.
TR: So you’re suggesting Manny Atreus burned down a house because ... his girlfriend cheated on him in Paris?
HB: What? No. I never said he burned it down, I said the prank war started because his girlfriend cheated on him, and not in Paris, with Paris.
XC: Why would someone’s parents name them Paris?
HB: You’re talking to a dude named Melesigenes Homer, my guy. You think I’m judging people on the weird shit their parents call them?
XC: Fair point.
HB: Thank you. Okay, so. Manny said the Alpha Sigs had to go to war, for like, the honor of the fraternity or something, and honestly at first it was kind of fun. But ...
TR: But what?
HB: I dunno. I guess things just got--a little out of hand.
Hour 1: Discord Ruins A Party
Not that Polo Hunter (HB: senior, Trojan, Finance, met Carly Simon at a party on Martha’s Vineyard and blurted out, “I’m sorry there were so many boys in trees”) cared one way or the other, because beer pong wasn’t even a real sport, but he thought it was sort of fucked up that all the guys just agreed to give the table up to the sorority girls, even though there was a clear “winner gets the table” rule in place. Like, he got that a core part of being in a fraternity was trying to get the sororities to want to hang out with you and come to your parties, but Polo’s question was what was the point of having a system in place for who got to use the table if you were just going to abandon it the first time a hot girl in a half-shoulder crop top fluttered her eyelashes at you?
It was about integrity, that was all. He didn’t care, he was just saying, it was like, an ethics thing.
“It’s beer pong, man,” said Ares Enyo (HB: senior, Trojan, in officer training, has been known to put on a wig and stand in for absent or injured roller derby girls), rolling his eyes. “There are no ethics in beer pong.”
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